Learning Difficulties Overcome

 

I saw immediately what a bright child Nelly was, and also that no-one was really relating to her on her wavelength, so at age 8 she had not been able to develop in many ways, both intellectually and emotionally. Her mother was concerned because she was behind at school, could not yet read or do maths, was very slow and unconcentrated, unmotivated and generally shy and dreamy.

 

Despite being very kind and having only the best intentions towards her daughter, her mother was by her own admission not really managing to reach her. Part of the issue seemed to be the mother’s own unconscious childhood pain, which she was not able or wiling to feel, so her numbness prevented her from relating to her child. Another factor was Nelly’s extreme sensitivity, and really needing a much higher or more delicate level of awareness to connect with her than her mother was willing or able to offer. Giving her what she really needed would have meant her mother feeling things in herself she was not really prepared to, so her daughter effectively lived in emotional isolation, which showed in her physical and social development.

 

The first few cranio sessions were very difficult because Nelly was totally unable to feel in any part of her body and also unwilling. She fought and resisted any attempt to ask her to feel or breathe or lie still. She wriggled and talked continuously and it took extreme faith and determination to persist in treating her. In the end we came to a compromise where we would do 10 minutes of cranio and then do drawing, which she loved. I was able to do as much cranio with her whilst drawing without touching her as on the couch, and in fact a large component of what she needed was to be related to empathetically and just accepted. She began to come out of her shell and after the 3rd session even her father noticed the change, asking why she looked so glowing and asking what I had done… The glow was simply expansion of her life force (release of trauma) and grounding.  The difference was very visible. What I had done was to be fully with Nelly, to help her regulate her emotions and experience herself, as neither sadly  her mother or father were able to do.

 

 

That week she won the school prize for reading and did her homework on her own 5 nights in a row, which was unheard of.

 

 

Things continued to improve and yet Nelly still struggled to read, had very poor boundaries, and was easily tired.  This is often the case with very sensitive children, since until someone can empathise with them and give them a sense of self-acceptance, they don’t learn to set their own limits for themselves, which are often very different from other more robust children.  It’s hard for a child to respect their own needs when the general cultural rules and assumptions do not support or acknowledge them, and almost impossible without strong parental support…

 

As our relationship grew stronger I was able to be tougher with Nelly, and started to insist that she try a little harder to focus, to feel her body, to stay present. The turning point in her social relationships came after several sessions where I encouraged her to get really angry and exert physical force against me as well as growling. She began to express her opinions and stick up for herself, even commenting on her mother’s lack of anger and suppressed aggression.  Then she started making friends and overall giving a much more “present” and available impression.

 

Still the daily school reading tasks were painful. So I devised a project about iguanas for her (which she loved) and she made the effort to spell out the words to find out what they eat and what they like, and how to look after them. It was helpful that she was also given a pet iguana at that time, so the motivation was strong. After the 3rd iguana project session she began to be able to read on her own and to recognize repeated words. Something clicked.

 

She also found a really good friend at school and became a bit more confident.  Her character remains shy, easily startled and cautious, and touchingly honest, but she now has fun with other kids and doesn’t find the whole issue of school and homework as daunting anymore.  She is at least average in her class now and a lot more confident in herself, and learning that her feelings and opinions are valid and count… So she can continue to develop and express herself in a normal school environment, which beforehand would have seemed like an impossibility…

 

Nelly’s saving grace is her stubborn honesty. It is maybe not a feature that her mother particularly appreciates, because it can be extremely uncomfortable for adults to be shown up consistently by their own children and forced to look at their own issues. Often highly sensitive children exhibit a purity and exceptional level of perception of others that makes them stand out in their clarity and innocence, and at the same time makes them easy targets for unscrupulous adults to manipulate.

 

Nelly is an exceptional case because despite her mother not being able to look at herself beyond a very superficial level, Nelly was able to integrate and make significant progress. Her mother was at least not blocking or resistant to her sessions. Normally children don’t seem to make much progress unless their parents also shift because they are not willing to challenge their parent’s world view by being different themselves. However Nelly was able to integrate enough to be able to start functioning in the basic tasks at school and socially, and to get some sense of purpose and meaning back in her life.

 

How far Nelly’s potential can develop will most likely depend on how far her mother is willing to develop her own integrity and connect with her core. Even if her current family situation does not improve she will now have some foundation and connection to her true self with which to eventually begin to excavate her own truth and values once she leaves home.

Really Nelly’s is the story of the majority of children who grow up with conditioned and fairly unaware and emotionally damaged parents (that would be the majority of the population, and is not meant as a value judgement or critical remark). Yet in Nelly’s case her sensitivity and intelligence made the effects of a lack of understanding and inadequate emotional regulation so blatantly apparent. Her mother’s helplessness indicated the lack of information and general cultural awareness of what children need and how to provide it. Nelly’s progress also highlighted how effectively her development could be supported with the right attention, without resorting to drugs or special needs education.