A father asks...

© Mira Katja Watson, Sep 2011

 

How Can I Help my child?

 

All parents love their children and want to help them. In practise however, the yearning to help often becomes an interference and burden on the child rather than an actual help, which is a shame. Maybe as you read you will recognise some of your own habits in the following example, which is intended to provide insights into how you can really start to help your child and enable them to flourish…

 

Some parents come into the clinic room and leave their child to me, sitting happily in the corner reading whilst we work. Other times a father/mother brings their child for a session, and what I often notice is that they have a very tight emotional connection to the child… Throughout the session they are constantly providing their child with reassurance and engaging them emotionally and verbally. What I often sense is that this seems to be more for the benefit of the parent than the child…

 

This is a strong statement, so allow me to explain.

 

When help is not helpful

 

A highly sensitive child will be sitting on the floor in their own world playing, drawing, building and generally enjoying the calm space in which to figure things out for themselves. What the parent tends to do is reach right through the child’s boundaries with their energy into their core and demand a connection, which whilst on the surface appearing to be about the child, is actually not. The child will tend to ignore it and focus on what they are doing for as long as they can, until they are forced into responding by the parent’s insistence. Since the child is basically afraid to defy the parents wishes for fear of not being loved, the child will comply to almost any such demand eventually.

 

If the same parent were to observe their child calmly, they would maybe notice that the child does not actually need connection, but rather needs to feel that the parent is there, should they want something. The child actually wants to get on with what they are doing, and if they have a need or question, they will naturally indicate this to the parent, or move towards them physically.

 

When I ask the parent to look at their own need to connect to the child, they often observe that they feel uncomfortable with the child being happy playing on their own. They feel that the child ought to want to connect, or that they the adult need to have a connection with the child in order for the relationship to be “right” and caring.

 

Whilst these feelings are perfectly understandable, and often come from a place of sincere concern and desire to teach a child how to be social, they are often misguided.  Children need the space to figure things out on their own, and generally that includes deciding when to play and explore and when to be social. Children have innate social instincts and will communicate and connect how and when they want to on the whole.

 

The issue may be rather that how they relate does not meet the parent’s requirements of what relating should look and feel like…

 

 

There is not necessarily anything wrong with a child that doesn’t seem overly social. Part of the issue may in fact be that the child experiences the parent as heavy or emotionally overwhelming. However to a parent who has other expectations this can feel disturbing.  This is then related more to the parent’s emotional needs, which are often unconscious. Holding an infant and receiving their unconditional and devoted love and attention can be extremely nourishing for an adult who was deprived of maternal attention themselves as a child. Unconsiously this is actually a big part of the reason why many women long to have children.

 

However obviously this is totally unethical. The straight word for it is abuse. Even though it may be unconscious abuse. The effect is devastating. A tiny infant is wide open and has no boundaries, or verbal ability to say no or defend themselves. Whilst very young the best they can do is wave their limbs or turn their head away to the side to indicate offense or overwhelm. These are signals which are often ignored or overlooked by adults unfortunately… and the physical and emotional effects on the child are lifelong.

 

Adults are meant to take care of the child’s needs, not vice versa.

 

Yet the caretaking can have its hidden traps too. It is true that small infants are helpless and need constant looking after. However as children learn to walk and explore, often the parent remains over protective and too interfering. Of course it brings up feelings of vulnerability and loss in the parent to begin to let go and let their child be more independent. But it is a gradual and absolutely necessary step for the child’s development, otherwise they are given the unconscious message that they are not capable themselves.

 

They also become frightened of doing things on their own. They then tend to  always look to the adult for intstructions rather than going ahead and trying things out on their own, even in play. That means that their creativity gets cramped as does their vitality or life force. They appear scared in unfamiliar unknown situations because they simply don’t feel sure enough of themselves to try and fail, try and figure it out themselves. However this is half the fun of living, and since there is no rule book, a child that has learnt to rely on parents in this way is not being prepared for real life, where they will ultimately have to rely on themselves. It’s much easier for them if they learn to make decisions and try things out whilst still at kindergarten, than when they are teenage or in their first job…

 

What to do…
So how can you recognise when you are unconsciously trying to get your child to meet your own needs rather than meeting theirs? Or when you are not giving them enough space? What are the signs?

 

With a slightly older child that is already more self-sufficient, it is easier to catch yourself. If a child is playing happily on their own, and you constantly feel the need to ask about what they are doing, or to be involved in their activity, then chances are, its more about you than it is about them… If you constantly correcting them or demanding they be different, try letting them be, and if you feel uncomfortable or angry, the issue is yours… If you seek out their company when you are lonely, or look to them to relieve your stress or cheer you up, or if you depend emotionally on regular contact with your child, then things are the wrong way up…

 

One test is whether you can sit and just be with them instead, calm, centred and available, yet not necessarily saying or doing anything, without feeling uncomfortable whilst they are playing quietly on their own. If you start to feel restless and like you have to say something, then it really isnt about them anymore. Try sitting with your own discomfort without acting on it, and see what the feelings are that come up. Often there is powerlessness, lostness, loneliness, anger and a range of other emotions. These have nothing to do with your child and what they are doing, but rather with what you are experiencing when your own need to be loved is not met by your child’s unconditional attention.

 

It’s pretty serious for the child, because if you put yourself in their shoes for a minute you will see that they have very little room to manoevre. They depend on you as the parent to feed, clothe and love them, so they will do anything to get your approval. Including neglecting themselves and disowning their own needs in favour of yours. Children are much more sensitive, and most kids will experience your unconsious unspoken emotional needs as loudly as if they were written up on a blackboard. And they will meet them automatically in order to survive. So it is up to you as the parent to be extra vigillant with your boundaries, your needs, your emotions, and to become sensitized to their body language and emotional states.

 

So one way you can really help your child is by feeling your own emotions and getting really clear about your own feelings and motivations… Once your individual boundaries are clearer, you will also get a better sense of the difference between what you need and what your child needs… so then you will be able to support them properly.

 

The key thing which can help you do all of this is coming back to yourself and getting a physical sense of your own centre, in your own space. Rather like the standing mountain pose in yoga, when you get a sense of your feet, your belly and your own core, you also tend to be able to feel how you are, and sense where you end and another begins.

 

As soon as you do this, your child will naturally have much more space to feel themselves, and be themselves. And this is what they need – to be themselves, not to be who you think they should be, so that you feel calm…

 

If you lean over with your own energy into their space, they will tend to feel only you, rather than themselves, because being children, their boundaries are weak, and their energy fields still much more permeable and sucseptible to being squashed. A very sensitive child will disembody or dissociate if you do this, quite automatically, rather than blowing out their own nervous system by experiencing you.

 

Shocking as this may be, if you feel this may apply to you, please understand this is not your fault, but rather a result of generations of desensitization and conditioning which mean that most people are not really in touch with themselves, and therefore cannot really relate to other people, and least of all to children.

 

So being aware of the energetics of yourself and the other is crucial in helping or supporting your child. If you can feel yourself and centre, you will also be able to differentiate better between yourself and your child, and this is also crucial. What your child needs may not be what you think, and its better to check it agains the reality of how they are in this moment. They will always signal you verbally or with body language if you are doing the right thing. And children tend to know exactly what they want and need, unless they are overwhlemed or extremely tired.

 

Try this

One way to approach a sensitive child that is playing is to extend your intention or your energy up to the edge of their energy field. If you sit for a while, you will be able to sense this like a bubble or clear space around them. When you gently touch the edge of their non-phyiscal body they will feel you and maybe respond. If they contract or move away, they don’t want to interact. If you stay there and wait, they may turn to you and speak, or open their field to invite you into a relationship. Be very mindful not to have any expectations… or they will respond to those instead of from their authentic will.

 

The trick is even then to stay centred, and only respond when your child invites you. You will set up a very natural flow back and forth if you manage this, as the child will sense your full acceptance and your understanding of their boundaries and inidividual will. There are remarkably few adults who are able to interact in this way with children, so you will be doing your family a huge favour if you have the patience to try. The best part is that you will be building their sense of acceptance and self-esteem, and giving them the chance to feel themselves and learn who they are, which is so vital for brain and nervous system development, as well as practising social skills and communication.