Calm Parenting: How to deal with a distressed child

© Mira Katja Watson, Sep 2011

 

Why does being a calm parent matter?

 

There are 3 main reasons:

 

1. If you calm yourself down before engaging with your child, you automatically calm them down, because the way nervous systems work is to feed off each other by resonance. Empathy is nothing more or less than tuning in to another’s state and meeting the frequency. So if your child is distressed and you are calm, they will feel it and respond. It helps them very effectively. It is especially crucial if your child has had an accident and is shaken or traumatised. Your calm presence can help their nervous system to discharge the shock so no lasting damadge remains.

 

2. It is only when you yourself are calm, that you actually have the presence of mind to sense what your child needs, and to know what to do in the situation. If you are stressed, agitated or angry, you are likely to resort to reactive responses or concepts for what to do, rather than to guague the situation accurately and do what is really required.   As soon as you breathe, feel yourself and calm down, there is much more space and perspective, and often the solution is staring you right in the face.

 

3. It feels better. You have more dignity, choice,  and perspective. You maintain your sense of humour. And you honour your individuality.

 

So how do you do it?

 

Being a calm parent is a decision you make not to get caught up in your child’s emotion, but to take a deep breath, feel your feet and relax before taking action.

 

It is actually very simple. You just decide to be a separate person… with your own choice over your emotional state. Just because your child is hysterical doesn’t mean you have to be. In fact it doesn’t help at all…

 

It can help to get out of your head and feel the body, and also to sense into the peace in the surrounding environment, nature etc. This is rather like extending your antenae or senses away from the screaming child to support you in not letting their emotion overun your nervous system. Another word for it is boundaries – and these are easier to have if you are sensing your own body and fully present, not lost in thought. Then at the first sign of trouble with your child, you can train yourself to pay attention to yourself, calm yourself and centre. Your own issues are less likely to get triggered, and you can respond effectively before the situation gets out of hand.

 

The essence of being a calm parent is to make that commitment to yourself to be a calm, present person, and to put your own inner peace above all else. This means pacing your life, removing yourself from heavy, negative, noisy situations so you don’t get overwhelmed, choosing your friends carefully to avoid complaint and negativity which drags you down, and taking full responsibility for being in touch with how you are at all times.

 

Depending on your own sensitivity and the robustness of your nervous system, this will be different things for different people. However once you take this responsibility on board, you will never look back because honesty, wisdom and love will come into your life in a way they never have before. Your own love of yourself, by paying attention, and the clear and uplifiting feeling you radiate will affect everyone around you positively. Your children will benefit massively, since they spend most time with you…

 

To learn the details of how to do this in practice, see the transformational parenting course, and read the article about handling emotions, which also provides practical guidelines.