Centred & Calm

© Mira Katja Watson, Sep 2011

 

Being centred is possibly the most crucial element of being an effective parent and having fun at the same time.   So let’s look at what throws people off balance, off centre so that we can bring more awareness into everyday life, and have a better chance of being on the ball, and able to respond…   There are obvious factors like drinking too much coffee, which kills your intuition and can make you jittery and aggressive.  Not sleeping enough doesn’t help your powers of awareness either. However these are factors that you can improve with a little effort and determination.

 

One of the main factors that we allow to throw us off centre is other people’s behaviour and unexpected events. These trigger emotions which may make us lose contact with our bodies and believe thoughts that are not true. The good news is these we can learn to control these seemingly external events that make us feel out of sorts, so that with a bit of practice they don’t effect us anymore. Then it becomes more apparent that nobody else can actually “do” anything to us, or make us feel a certain way… we “do” it to ourselves, through our own learnt responses.

 

Take the example of walking into a room of screaming children. Of course you can immediately lose your temper and go into full scale battle mode. Or you can take a moment to notice that your feet are on the ground, and you are calm, breathing, and that its very noisy. Then you can look around and see if there is anything obvious that needs to be tackled first, and set about it deliberately and calmly, keeping a clear sense of yourself, your own needs and boundaries, and helping your own nervous system stay within tolerable limits. Does this sound impossible? It’s actually very simple once you realize that you don’t have to feel like the people around you, but can keep a separate frame of mind and emotional state… it just takes some practice.

 

One of the common emotions that knocks people off centre is anger. When someone says or does something that triggers an explosion in you, the tendency is to not want to feel the sensations in the body, and to simply blame the other. However, if you look carefully, you will notice that there is a sensation of bubbling or tingling in your lower belly, that slowly rises up through your abdomen and chest until it reaches your face. After a few minutes it subsides. Feeling anger can be a natural part of the body’s way to expand its energy and get back to a state of uninhibited and full aliveness.  So it is actually very useful if someone  “makes” you angry, or triggers this experience in you.

 

If you can recognise the physical sensations in yourself, stay connected with your feet, abdomen and hips, thank the other and then just allow yourself to experience what follows, you may be able to stay fully centred and even get clearer and stronger. It may take just a few minutes, but awareness is everything. Feeling the phsyical body and breathing can be all it takes to keep you centred and present.

 

This will help especially when you see that your children trigger anger but they are not the cause of your anger, they are just being themselves. When you don’t play into their games with your anger, because you are taking responsibility for feeling it directly, they no longer have power over you. And you will be much clearer in what your response to them needs to be. You will be able to speak to them calmly and remember the decisions and boundaries you have already established, and to be consistent.

 

It is nearly always more helpful to respond to another after the anger has subsided and the thoughts of blame and revenge are no longer circling…

 

The other issue that destabilizes people, especially those with sensitive nervous systems, is overwhelm. When too much emotional energy or visual/auditory information is present in the body, some people’s systems shut down in a state of trauma to prevent damadge through overload. Of course this decentres a parent because they literally can’t function normally. The only option at that point is to take time out and let the nervous system calm down and settle back to a functional state.

 

However it is fairly common, and nothing to worry about, just something to be taken into account and adapted to.   In the long run it is much more helpful to learn to avoid getting that overstimulated and taking rests and quiet time before overload and shutdown are reached. Doing regular yoga, walking in nature, breathing, and being constantly aware of one’s own inner state can all be helpful.

 

For most people, being  centred and calm is something that they have to work at and make a priority.

With time it becomes a habit to look after yourself. In all honesty, this is the only responsible way to be, since otherwise you are adversely affecting other people and your environment with stress and negativity. So making sure you are o.k. is a basic choice to make for yourself, and also the only really sane example to set for your children…