Parent tips

© Mira Katja Watson, Sep 2011

This is a quick check-list for frazzled mums and dads to make space and order in your family so things can get easeir, asap…

 

1. Are you so tired and overwhelmed you are hardly functioning?

Stop.
Your kids suffer too if you are not ok.
Put your kids in another room where they are safe
Take time out to sit with a cup of tea in quiet.
If you are overwhelmed you need to calm down your own nervous system.
Once you are calm you can deal with your kids (you know it works).

Calming activities:

		drink herbal tea whilst listening to mozart/nature sounds
		close your eyes and breathe in and out slowly 10 times
		feel your feet and imagine a huge coffee plunger of white light passing down through you and clearing all your thoughts and emotions into the ground

 

2. It is better to give your kids your full attention for half an hour a day than giving them your partial attention all day. Decide to give them the half hour, and then switch off and don’t feel guilty the rest of the time. Children need proper attuned attention in order for their brains to develop and grow,  and to generate a sense of identity and self-esteem.  As long as they are allowed contact with other people, children are very resourceful and can find ways to get the quality of attention they need to get their developmental needs met even if not directly through their parents…

 

3. If you tend to get really angry, have a task ready for those occasions when the rage flairs up… for example, digging the garden, going for a run, doing the vacuuming or the dishes, or any other phsyical activity that  can use up the energy. Just disconnect from the kids and occupy yourself until the emotion subsides. Your anger has nothing to do with the kids, and doesn’t need to be taken out on them. Watch that you don’t believe what you are thinking when you are angry, because the thoughts generate more anger… just let the thoughts go and focus on the physical activity and the body sensations.

 

4. If you are someone who constantly blames themselves for all the things you’ve done wrong with your kids, and what you wish you had done differently, stop. The past is over. Start now. Show up and be present with them, give them what they need and be patient. They will respond and the past will be mostly undone. If you persist in repeating a story of your own mistakes, you keep yourself disant from them and perpetuate the problem. Attuned attention right now can remedy a lot of the effects of past mistakes.

 

5. Make a time each day that is yours and make it your anchor and space in which to reflect. Even if you have to get up at 5.30am to have half and hour before the kids, so you can sit quietly and be with yourself, do it. Taking some time each day on your own for yourself will help keep an overview of how you are and how things are going so you don’t get swallowed up in the everyday routines and exhaustion. It will give you enough perspective to notice what needs to change, and have the odd insipration for what to do. It will also make you feel better and support your sense of self and own development.

 

6. If you are a frazzled mum, and the kids never give you a break, you might ask yourself, are you really leaving them alone? If you always worry that they will hurt themselves or create mischief, then you are constantly connecting with them in a subtle way through your concern or fear. This means they are also connecting with you and feeling your need for connection. If you can come into your own centre and be fully self-contained, rather than constantly tracking them and hanging onto them, they are also more likely to let go of you and play on their own. That way they can learn to occupy themselves and play alongside you. They know you are still available if they really need help, but they can gradually increase their independence at their own speed, so they feel safe. The first step in letting go and giving them their individuality comes from you, the mother, by reclaiming your own… even if it’s hard and counter-intuitive, because you are so used to them being extensions of yourself, having your own interests and pursuits will benefit your children in the long run. They will learn to use their individual competence to solve situations, and they will have you as a clear role model for their own activities, rather than remaining dependent on others. It will be good for all of you…