Positive Parenting

© Mira Katja Watson, Sep 2011

 

“Don’t do that, it will break and you’ll hurt yourself”
“Come away from there”
“Don’t touch that, it’s dangerous”

 

These common phrases are the battle call of the concerned parent trying desperately to keep their little one from harm and look as if they have some control over their offspring in front of others. However a visiting alien might be forgiven for thinking that parenting on this planet is mainly about prohibition, desperate attempts to control and instilling fear…

 

By contrast, positive parenting is a simple idea. The more you tell a child what not to do, the more focus and attention you are putting on the very thing you want to divert them away from. So the trick is to communicate directly with your child what it is that you would like them to do, without referring to the negative aspects. One way to get started is to ban yourself from saying the word “don’t” for a few hours and see how creative you can be with your requests and diversion tactics.

Simlply request and suggest what you DO want, and leave the rest out.
The basic skill is to learn to divert your child’s attention away or direct their focus to something more constructive without giving them the sense of being wrong, or being judged. What they are doing is only wrong in your mind because you can see the possible consequences. Try to put aside your own fear and worry of the worst scenario outcome and focus on joy and humour instead. For young children it’s just a case of exploring and discovering, because this is how they learn about the world.

 

This means that you might try to switch your own thinking from “oh no, Johnnie’s not doing that again” to “ah, he’s doing that, so let’s see what I can show him instead, or what is he trying to find out and how could he have some fun with me, or I with him…”

 

An additional aspect to positive parenting which I have found very helpful in shifting family dynamics, is encouraging the positive attitude of the parent themselves. Simply focusing on your child’s innate intelligence and helping them develop their potential, and noticing how inventive and adaptible they are can help. Rather than fearing the worst, expecting the worst, and being all tight and controlled about things, try lightening up and having some fun. Laughter and playfulness gets an immediate positive response from kids. Trying to see things from your child’s perspective is generally helpful because you will tend to relax when you can feel and take part in the fun they are having. You will also be able to support them better in trying to achieve whatever they are trying to do… which  means less frustration and upset and more learning and growth.

 

And sometimes it is appropriate to watch them get it “wrong” and then explain what the cause and effect sequence was, and suggest how they might do it a different way next time. Sometimes children need to experience the pain or upset for themselves to understand why to do things a certain way and not another. It is vital that parents don’t deprive children of their own learning experiences out of their own fearfulness.

 

I watched one mother let her little boy fall face first down the last three steps of the stairs. After comforting him, she sat him back at the top and showed him how to stretch his legs out behind him one by one, so he could come down safely. Every time he turned around to face her she said: “remember how it hurts less?” and he would turn back to the safe way.  It worked extremely well, and was a textbook example of positive parenting.

 

In addition, children who want attention - but aren’t getting it - learn very early on that if they do the things the parent doesn’t want, they get attention easily in the form of anger, and often ongoing resentment. It may not sound ideal, but to a very lonely child, even angry attention is better than none… So the sooner you stop rewarding undesired behaviour with your focus and energy, i.e. start ignoring it rather than getting drawn in, the faster your child will stop using this tactic.

 

Instinctive parenting grows naturally out of positive parenting. As you try to sense what your child is trying to achieve, why they are doing what they are, and what they need, you will have impulses for ways to assist and support them, rather than for stopping and correcting them. These impulses will tend to come from your body or spontaneity and be joyful rather than planned and stressful, and they will bring a lightness and playfullness to your interactions and family environment.

 

A lot of it is to do with relaxing fear-driven ideas that are mistrustful of your child’s innate common sense and survival instincts. And switching into a more positive space yourself where you see what is the most fun that can be had in each situation rather than doing damadge limitation and mess control. There will always be clearing up to do, because that’s life with kids, but it’s simply much more fun when everyone is in a good mood…