What is good parenting?

© Mira Katja Watson, Sep 2011

 

This is an open-ended question with no right answers. However there are some simple principles which if applies, lead not only to a more peaceful and fulfilled family life, but also to a better outcome for the children in terms of their self-esteem and developmental progress… which in turn create happiness for everyone.     What are the principles?

 

Acceptance.
Being with.
Listening.
Looking at what is going on inside you.
Honesty.

Authenticity
Transparent communication.

 

How to do it?

 

These are the things your child needs for optimum individual and social development, in addition to good food, clothing and shelter.

In order to give your child these things, you need to be able to do them for yourself. If you can’t accept yourself at a basic level, you will be unlikely to be able to do this for your child… and this is where your learning opportunity lies… whatever you find hard to do for your child, is what you first and foremost need to practice doing for yourself… and in this way you will become a much more centred, balanced and loving influence for your child to be around, as well as much happier in yourself. Here are the nuts and bolts details of how and why these principles are so crucial…

 

Acceptance.

Acceptance is a pracitce. It doesn’t mean not having personal opinions and preferences… it means sometimes putting them aside by understanding how important it is for your child to feel that they are fundamentally acceptable no matter how they are behaving or what they are doing. To experience that they are simply worthy and perfect in their essence. Wtihout having to do anything for it.

 

Praising a child can give the opposite message. It is not the same as acceptance. Praise indicates that if you do this, or are being this way rather than that, I love you, and if you don’t do as I want, I won’t love you. It often belongs to a reward and punishment system which doesn’t create self-esteem, but rather trains your child to be a monkey and jump through the hoops. Is that what you really want for your child? Maybe not.

 

Acceptance gives the child the chance to feel themselves, and to value themselves… at a deeper level specific kinds of emotional recognition and acceptance are essential for the child’s brain and social development… any damadge that has been unknowingly done to a child on whatever level begins to heal immediately anyone, at any time, starts to show that child complete acceptance… it is a very powerful thing.

 

A mother said to me that she never praised her child’s artwork, but always said that if he liked it, then that was what mattered. She was surprised that for me this didn’t register as acceptance. I felt her indifference as she spoke. If I were her child I would feel lost and slightly disregarded and insecure at her response. I explained that acceptance is conveyed through having an inner open-ness, without judgment or expectation, an inner sense of warmth and delight, and a sense of saying yes to someone else, unconditionally. If fact one of the best ways to convey acceptance is through

 

Being with.

What all children (and most adults) crave but wouldn’t be able to express is another person’s full attention and acceptance. Another way of saying this, is they want someone to be with them, to share their experience. They want to be felt and silently acknowledged. Why do they want this? Because it is only by interacting with another person that children can learn how they actually are – humans learn through reflection by another person, they learn about themselves through interaction and exchange… When you feel them, and are fully with them, it helps them to feel themselves. And it also gives them the message that they are fundamentally o.k. as they are, which is arguably the single most significant thing a parent can give a child. It creates self-worth and confidence.

 

All it requires is that you the adult be calm, fully present with your attention rather than lost in thoughts, and there, paying attention to the child. You don’t have to speak, or solve problems, just be there and with your ears, your heart and all your senses,

 

Listen.

Most people don’t really listen. They look as if they are but actually they are busy thinking what they are going to answer, and so they are not really listening at all. IF you’ve experienced someone calculating how to prove their next point as you are pouring your heart out to them in emotional turmoil, and really need to be heard, you will know how frustrating this is.

 

When a child tries to tell you something they will not understand or have any tolerance if you are not listening properly. They will feel offended and hurt and take it as a message that they are not worthy, not important enough for your attention, and that what they are saying is of no value.

 

Is this the message you really want to give your child? No of course not.

So what can you do differently?

 

First of all, understand that listening properly is way way more important than knowing the answers. So first relax and just be with your child (or partner for that matter).

 

Listening works better when you take a few deep breaths, feel your feet on the ground, your knees and buttocks, and settle into a relaxed posture in your body. Then you need to let your mind go blank, or come into the present. You can, if you like, imagine noting your own concerns and wrapping them in a brown paper parcel for the moment, simply putting them aside. Then you are ready. This is where the phrase “I’m all yours” begins to make sense.

 

You listen and feel. Let the words in, just as they are, without filtering, sorting or defending yourself. You feel what they do in you. You wait after the speaking and let them sink in. You nod or make appropriate accepting, encouraging noises to let the child know they can keep speaking. You pay full, precise, detailed attention to every word, gesture and nuance. This way the communication will work, and you are way more likely to hear what the child needs or wants or is trying to say.

 

Do you need to reply? It will be apparent if you are listening in this way. The words will simply come.

 

Honesty.

Be honest. Why? Because all children can tell when you are lying, and it confuses them. Even white lies don’t add up to an emotionally connected child. They will be puzzled and ultimately lose trust in what you say. That creates discipline issues.

 

Honesty matters because a true resopnse from your core gives a child a sense of safety. It conveys to them that there is someone real at home, that they can  count on.  Since you are how you are, you may as well say it, because covering it up to be different will not achieve anything. And your child will most likely point out your own inconsistencies mercilessly, not out of spite, but simply because lies don’t make sense to a child.

 

Authenticity.

This is close to honesty but subtly different. Being authentic means being yourself. You being unashamedly you supports children in being fully themselves in all their wonderful and creative expressions of self. Whether delicate or disorganised, wild or pensive…

 

When you put aside your thinking head and allow your authentic responses, you can create clear and honest boundaries that a child can hear and respect. You can say no when you can’t handle any more, without feeling guilty. If your deepest response is a NO then that will be totally appropriate. This is one of the most important aspects of being a parent, since it not only helps you balance your needs with those of the child, but also makes the child feel secure.

 

Looking at what is going on inside you.

Why does it matter that you are in touch with yourself? Well feeling and being able to identify how you are is the basis for relating to your child. It is only if you can feel yourself that you can effectively feel and respond to another. And only when your own feelings are not overwhelming or controlling you in reactive patterns.

 

If your child is repeatedly acting out and triggering anger or frustration in you, before you can figure out what to do, you need to be able to feel and handle your own emotion. Self-reflection will help. This will enable you to see what the situation requires, but only if you can own the anger as yours, and not see it as caused by your child. Taking personal responsibility for experiencing your own emotions and bodily sensations creates the necessary space for the clarity to emerge on how to change the dynamics with your child to something more constructive. Often seeing how you are contributing to the events is enough to change them. That is why looking at yourself is so crucial for being a parents and for relating with your family. It is also necessary for you to create

 

Transparent communication.

This refers to speaking as if consciously or unconsiously everyone’s emotional states are visible and apparent to everyone else. So there is nothing that can be hidden or needs to be kept secret. When you communicate openly it creates clarity. It means saying how you feel and what you need just as a matter of fact, rather than playing games to get what you want, or denying how you are in order to give a different, better impression. Most children do seem to see and feel everything that goes on with adults as if they were transparent. This is an ability that adults unlearn as they grown up, due to cultural conditioning and the general acceptance of the need to act and lie.

 

The general adult way of being is neither honest nor authentic, and uses a lot of energy to maintain a certain external image.

It is extremely confusing to children and also to quite a lot of adults, and doesn’t create satisfying or intimate relationships…

 

When a whole family uses transparent communication, things become relatively straightforward and harmonious. Each individual communicates how they are and what they need, and request what they would like. Since the other members also prefer to have their own needs met, it becomes a pleasure to accommodate the others, but always within the context of being honest with one’s own boundaries and capacities, first and foremost.  Transparent communication forms the bedrock of individual responsibility.